The Roze Garden
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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in the "englishroze" journal:
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04:44 pm
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Fuck You
Fuck YOU, best friend, for being the product of weird parents who take the phone off the hook at every god given opportunity. How the hell am I supposed to call you to let you know the change of plans?
Fuck YOU, General Manager, for being such an ignorant arsehole.
Fuck YOU, Caller, for not hearing me shout, for denying me my money and for getting me into this whole stupid situation.
Fuck YOU, Ex-employer for lying, bullshitting, and stealing me away from somewhere altogether more productive that your stupid little office.
Fuck YOU, life, for throwing me this pathetic fucking curve and throwing everything I stand for into disarray.
Fuck YOU, me, for trusting too much, listening too little, and taking a risk. You should have known better.
Fuck YOU, friends, for thinking that I should KNOW where my life is going. I DON'T. Understood? I'm not looking for a career... I just want money, a job, an easy life.
Fuck Everything.
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07:35 pm
[Link] | Dear Moron,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to experience just how bad some office work can get.
After steadily working my way up the career ladder in a fairly reputable but low paying company, I was lured by the temptation of money that you threw down in front of me. Hell, it wasn’t a lot more money, but it was enough to open my eyes and see that there was a bigger, wider world out there.
So I took a risk and I placed a lot of trust onto the fact that local government can’t be a bad employer. Can it?
It didn’t cross my mind for one minute that the public sector is so over-funded that it’s idea of a respectable wage is somewhat different from the private sector. So in the end, I was a good worker that came fairly cheap for you.
I burnt my fucking bridges for what? Nothing. A week and a half, and no one had still spoken to me. Sure, people had talked around me, talked over me, and done everything in their power not to include me in their conversations. I joined in, except that when I spoke no one listened.
I could have handled that alone. But the work issue was a far bigger problem.
Whatever in the world makes you believe that all people are money motivated and would take a demotion if it involved a pay increase? I enjoyed my bloody job at my old employer.
You misrepresented the position that you offered me. You painted it up to be something fantastic. Hell, I had to attend a friggin panel interview to get there. Then I spend a week and a half doing jack shit because no one wants to show me anything? When I ask for work I get shut in a tiny room photocopying sheet after sheet?
I did not spend 3 years working my arse off to walk back down to an Office Junior.
My reasons for walking out were all of the above, and more simply: because I have too much self respect to be in that position.
Get off your power trip, accept that the inevitable has happened, employ a school leaver who would be glad to get a foot in an office door, and don’t you DARE send me any more vindictive emails.
The reason why I didn’t reply to the first one was because I wanted to cut the cord completely. Sending the second did nothing other than piss me off. I opened it solely to get it out of my inbox and into the deleted file. I read one line, but didn’t bother with the rest of the inane bullcrap.
I owe you NOTHING. You owe me a heck of an apology. You’ll never be aware of exactly what I gave up to spend a week and a half in your hell. I can’t get that back.
I sincerely hope that the Chief Executive’s Department cuts your budget next year, that you have to take redundancy, and that you find out what it’s like to be fucked over by someone on a power trip.
Yours sincerely,
The Best Worker You’ll Never Have.
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02:24 pm
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New Job
I thought the new job would be great. Due to the reputation of the employer, I had very high expectations... but I have been disappointed.
I'm not quite sure what the deal is on this job, and I'm suspicious at this moment in time.
It appears that they have employed me, but my position is not altogether certain. During my first week there has been little work for me to do. How am I supposed to make a good impression when I don't have anything to do?
Lastly, it is a clique of middle-aged women who really don't seem to want me there at all.
I have this horrible feeling that they employed me because I was cheap (my old job didn't pay a lot), and my references proved that I was a good worker. However, my first impressions are that I'm over-qualified for this position.
Yes, the pay is more. But the position is three steps below where I was before.
Can't help feeling that this has been one big mistake. It begs the question: what the fuck do I do now?
I can't quit this job because I need the money. I can't envisage me staying at this job for a long time because there's too many weird issues surrounding it.
I feel angry at my employers. I think I've been screwed over.
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08:31 am
[Link] | Last night I went out with my best friend DJ. I haven't seen him for 7 months as he's been studying for his MA, amongst other things.
I've known him for 20 years, but we've been good friends for 10, best friends for 8.
We've always had this weird chemistry going on and a "look but don't touch" ethic. We talk about sex all the time, but we've never had sex with each other.
Deep down I've been in love with him for 10 years, and I've always been too nervous about approaching this with him because as much as I love him I don't want to ruin the friendship that we do have.
As I've got older I've thought about us together a lot as we got closer and closer.
Last night we were talking and he basically told me that I'm sexy, and he'd like to take our relationship further. I'm stoked. It would have been easy to seduce him there and then, but I've waited so long for this that I'd like to ensure that it's perfect.
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07:57 pm
[Link] | I just got back from a Raft Regatta on a River. It's a charity event where teams build their own raft, and then paddle 10 miles. It's a fun, non-professionals only event and it's quite a sight because the teams decorate their rafts.
My sister took part in this event and asked us to come and watch. So we did.
Around 100 rafts took part in total, and over the course of the 5-ish hours it took, I must have seen about 20 stupidly irresponsible parents who let their crotch-droppings run riot at the edge of the Riverbank (bearing in mind that the bank is a sharp 20ft drop).
However, the award for The Stupidest Parent of the Year goes to the most annoying mother in the world. Firstly, she had come prepared with a box full of eggs with the sole purpose of throwing them at the passing rafts... y'know, the rafts with people on who are busting a gut to raise money for charity?
The moronic woman later yelled out to her 9 year old daughter (approx.) "Quick Chelsea, take the camera and run down the bank. You'll get us a better photo of Daddy".
It had been raining all day, the grassy bank was muddy, and crotch-rot slid all the way down and into the river.
Luckily it was very shallow at that point, but child fell right in. Instead of being worried about her daughter, Mother was stressing over the digital camera that had fallen in the water.
Child was ok, thanks to the efforts of one of the raft teams that collected her straight away.
Then Mother bitched about having to walk 2 miles down the river to the finish line to collect her daughter!
I am horrified. There should definitely be some kind of in-depthy examination taken, and licence issued before stupid people attempt to conceive.
In fact, solve the population problems: neuter the stupid people.
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08:25 pm
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Day One & Day Two
( Read more... )
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08:57 am
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Stats
Will be posting these every week from now on.
CURRENT WEIGHT: 234lbs 16st 10lbs.
STARTING WEIGHT: 272lbs 19st 6lbs.
WEIGHT LOSS SO FAR: 38lbs
BUST: 48"
WAIST: 41"
HIPS: 51"
L. THIGH: 31"
R. THIGH: 30.5"
L. UPPER ARM: 15.75"
R. UPPER ARM: 15.75"
EXERCISE THIS WEEK: Monday - Swimming, 40 lengths. Tuesday - Gym (Treadmill, Elliptical, & Weights) Wednesday - Nothing. Thursday - Gym (Treadmill, Elliptical, Bike, & Weights). Friday - Gym (Treadmill, Elliptical, Bike, Rowing Machine & weights).
GOAL FOR NEXT WEEK: 1lbs loss.
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06:30 pm
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The evils of scale-watching
For the last few months I haven't lost a huge amount of pounds. In fact I was getting quite down about it. I felt like I was trying extremely hard and seeing no results.
I joined a gym and go three times a week for an hour, I swim 40 lengths three times a week at my local pool, I've started up yoga, and I do some of my own excercises and stretches aside from all that. I eat 1200 calories or thereabouts each day, I eat a balanced diet, and I drink 3 litres of water each day.
I was getting seriously narked with the lack of weight loss because I could feel my clothes were looser.
Last week I was getting dressed for work and put on my favourite trousers, which I hadn't worn for about a month. As I stood putting on my blouse, they fell straight down. The zip and buttons were fastened... they were just too big by a long shot.
Intrigued, I grabbed a tape measure and discovered that despite very little weight loss I've lost about 6" from my waist and 8" from my hips.
I've learned a valuable lesson! Don't rely on that scale, and certainly do not worship it! If you are on an excercise and weightloss plan, then keep a note of your body measurements too: it gives a clearer picture of just what is going on.
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02:40 pm
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what a typo!!!!
As found on Sephora:
"A lipstick with a cause. 100 percent of the proceeds from the sale of this gloriously rich Lola Creme Lipstick go to the Hollywood Education & Literacy Project (H.E.L.P.), a program Lola is oh-so proud to support. H.E.L.P. delivers free, one-on-one tutoring and mentoring for children, youth, and families. Bottom line: you get a pleasingly pouty lipstick destined to make your pucker perfect and H.E.L.P gets a helping hand in their crusade to wipe out literacy. It's a win-win situation."
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07:07 pm
[Link] | Work was bizarre today. Strange things are starting to go on behind closed doors, and I don't believe that any of it will come to any good.
Someone was fired today for no other reason than his face didn't fit. According to the Manager who was responsible for firing him, "He wasn't pulling his weight". However, it seems that there has been an attitude clash somewhere along the lines because this person is known to be a worker. In fact, he's a bloody good worker.
Many of us know the truth behind the reason why he was dismissed: he's the only black person in our building.
I'm not sure that I can continue to be employed by a company that has appointed a racist, sexist, egotistical Operations Manager. I'm disgusted by the events of today and I have reached a point where I want out.
My ambition in life is to be a Paramedic - it's something I've dreamed about for a long time, but I've always been too unfit and overweight to apply.
This is why I MUST lose weight. I'm nearing my mid-twenties and I NEED to live this ambition soon if it is to be realised at all.
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08:57 am
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Food Diary
Yesterday wasn't such a good day. In fact, it was blatantly bad!!!
However, I didn't take a day off last weekend and I don't intend to take a day of next weekend, so I can justify one slip up.
The day started off seemingly good, with a bowl of Special K for Breakfast, a Banana at 11, and a bowl of Special K at 2. At 3.30 I had a Fat Free Yoghurt. Then Kate and I decided to go out for Dinner... However, the pub we went to has changed it's menu and now offers no real healthy options. So we shared a barbecue combo (2 ribs, Chicken Wings, regular chicken, Prawns), and had a side salad.
Because we were out and about I couldn't do my hour on my bike, but I guess we did spend 2 hours walking round a supermarket.
I'm owing this little slip up to the Special K Diet. It seems that I can do it for so long, and then a time comes when I'm so hungry that I crave protein and carbs.
I dreamed last night that I was at a gym and I really wanted to use the running machine, but for whatever reason it wouldn't work. I was desperate!
It shows that my body requires daily excercise now.
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07:32 pm
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Thanks!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who resonded to my message the other day. I was at a low point because the scale hadn't moved for a while, despite what I thought was my best efforts.
Well... I took all your tips and advice to heart straight away, and I've lost 3lbs in just a few days.
I've upped my water-intake, it's not quite 64oz yet, but probably well over 50oz. It seems to be making a huge difference!
Thanks everyone.
Gotta go... Got an excercise bike that needs to be used.
271/235/190
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11:18 pm
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Crafty
Today I had one of those "couldn't be arsed to do anything" type of days. I bummed around on the computer for a few hours, then decided to get out my craft box. I planned to do some cross-stitch, but at last minute found my old crocheting blanket that I've been working on for 2 years.
Kay was interested, so I've taught her how to Crochet, then Mom joined in. So we spent the rest of the day just hooking and stitching.
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10:28 pm
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T.O.M Post
My period is really fucking with my head. I had a blissful year of the total absence of menstruation, and then in February after I'd lost 14lbs, they came back.
Until now they've been a fortnightly occurance, but this last one has been bang on 28 days... which is a good thing... but I'm so headfucked.
Today I ate fruit and vegetables all day in order to try and de-toxify my body and mind. I'm not sure whether it worked. My menstruating self just wants to grab every piece of junk food and cram it into my mouth in one go. I'm not letting THAT happen.
I feel fat today. Fatter than I've felt. I can't get past these same few pounds and I feel like I'm kicking my own arse in the process.
There are so many millions of reasons why I want and need to lose weight, and I had it easy until now. Mentally this place sucks. This is the worst plateau I've experienced.
I know that it's maybe due to TOM, which is perfectly acceptable... but I just wish that I felt like all this hard work is paying off.
I'm absolutely NOT going to give up. If I have to be 238lbs for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's better than being 271lbs... and at least I know that despite the fat, I have a very good fitness level right now.
I need to work some more weights. I need to get more muscle tone in my upper body.
My legs are kicking ass... but I feel like I'm starting to get middle-heavy, - not good.
I don't seem to be able to lose my fat belly.
I'm hoping that as the hormones are trying their best to actually work right, that my period will be gone by wednesday and then I can do even more to beat up this blubbery body.
I'm determined to drop ONE pound this week. Once I do that, I know that the next one is just around the corner.
Oh well.. time for bed.
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06:59 pm
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The Scale has Stuck
I seem to have been having a problem of late: I'm fighting over a couple of pounds and I can't seem to get past this barrier.
This week I thought I'd finally broke free of 238, when I went down to 237... but my time-of-the-month came and I'm back at 238.
I'm doing 30 mins hard cardio a day, and another 15-30 mins of weights. I don't have the time to do more than that!
Diet-wise, I'm eating around 1200 calories and I'm not sure I could drop lower without feeling perpetually starved!
I normally give myself Saturday as a "free" day, where I don't have to be so strict with food (but I don't junk-out either). I don't feel like taking this Saturday off.
This plateau is pissing me off now as it's my first big hurdle. I dropped 33lbs in 3 months with total ease. Now the pointer is STUCK at 238.
Any suggestions?
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06:53 pm
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Uneventful
I love Bank Holidays... I hate the Tuesdays after them. Work is always so slow, so shitty, so bleurgh.
Today I accomplished very little other than staring at my screen and wishing time would pass quicker. In the midst of all this I managed to lose a filling by eating a polo mint. So now that's another trip to the Dentist.
My hair has been looking like a total fuck-ball today. It's doing something crazy that I do not like and I can't seem to control. My brother thought it looked funky... I think it looks freaky. But that's personal opinion for ya.
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07:12 pm
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Gay O Meter
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06:57 pm
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The Secret Window
Just got back from the cinema. We went to see The Secret Window, with Johnny Depp.
I didn't realise until I got in and the credits started to roll that it is actually a Stephen King book (called Secret Window, Secret Garden).
I have to say that despite the numerous Bank-Holiday Brats that were overtaking the cinema, it was a very good movie with a nice chunky twist near the end.
Johnny Depp is such a great actor. I don't think I've ever seen him in anything that hasn't been good. I do believe that he is the true definition of Sex.
Maria Bello played his ex-wife - not a bad added extra since I had no clue she was in it and have had a crush on her since the days when she played Anna Del Amico in ER.
Naturally, we got the usual bunch of kids behind us throwing popcorn. I'm not really sure what is happening to teenagers today, but they seem much more evil and generally malicious than when I was a kid.
When I kindly asked them to stop aiming the popcorn at me, I got a mouthful of abuse back. THIS from a 12 year old who I could have smacked in the mouth and quite easily hurt.
Kids will be kids, I guess.
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11:00 am
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Hello World!!
I'm 23 (almost 24), and living in merry olde England. Okay.. it's not THAT merry!
This is my first ever attempt at some kind of journally-type-thingummy.
I live with my parents, and am very comfortable with the arrangement. We have a good relationship, it's cheaper than renting somewhere, and I'm centrally located to everything I wish to be near to. Many of my friends are still at home with their parents too... so it's not like I'm odd-one-out or anything!
For the last 5 months I've been on a weight loss quest. I've always been a big girl, but I'm not so happy now being so big. My starting weight on January 16th was 271lbs. My current weight is 238lbs. I'm extremely happy with my progress and my increasing fitness levels!
This year I am determined to read 100 books. It's a challenge, but I'm hoping to crack it.
At the moment I'm reading a book called The Diary of an Ordinary Woman... which is extremely intriguing, and I'll write more about that when I'm finished it.
That's me so far, I'm sure there's going to be much more to write!
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englishroze's journal